The wobble in free-fall
In the heroine's journey there's always moments she wants to turn back after she has made the decision to depart.
I’m deep in a period of recalibration.
Often on social media and in public we see peoples’ successes on the other side of this period. When they’ve climbed the hill, they’ve done the thing, they’ve ‘succeeded’ in whatever it was they set out to achieve. People are often at their most visible when they are deemed a ‘success’.
I’m grateful that I get to witness so many women in the ‘messy middle’ and feel a sense of community and collective recalibration many of us are undertaking in our 30s and beyond. I want to see this spoken of more. I want it normalised.
In the heroine’s journey it follows an arc similar to that of the hero’s journey with some distinct differences. For me the most profound being that where the hero’s journey ends - at step four experiencing success, the heroine’s journey is really just getting started.
As she reaches the pinnacle of success in her chosen path she begins to awaken to a feeling of limitation. For me this was reaching a point in the career I had built for 12 years and not being able to shake the feeling that something was off kilter, out of alignment and taking from me more than I wanted to give. Motherhood was without a doubt a catalyst for not being able to ignore this any longer, though the feeling had been with me long before.
And so, this year I made a decision to not ignore this any longer. I took a leap, vocalised what I really needed and cut from the internal belief that if I gave up my career I was somehow failing. Instead I listened to the call of something new, something different, something vastly more aligned with the way I want to live in the world.
I am very much deep in the stages of the Heroine’s Journey where I am yearning to reconnect with myself, heal my connection to the feminine and rebalance from the hyper-masculine world we live in. This in practice is completely dismantling beliefs I have held about myself and the world that are deeply connected to my ideas of self-worth.
For those not familiar with these concepts it can include (and does for me) - redefining what work, rest and leadership look like. It means stepping back from the ‘tough’ exterior I have held myself behind my whole life, and accepting vulnerability and connection over this idea of independent self-reliance. It is understanding that self-reliance and hyper-independence, as it is celebrated in our culture, is not actually necessary. Community is. We are built to rely on one another. We are designed to work in community, in family. We are not designed to go it alone.
Alongside the dismantling of these ideas are days where my ego is shouting loudly to try to take back the reigns. “What do you mean you’re going to rest?!” I hear it shout. “You’re being lazy, you need to get up and do something,” it bullies. When I tell you I find it deeply unsettling to do nothing - it is skin crawling, anxiety-inducing, YOU MUST BE MOVING ALWAYS, kind of unsettling.
Following this I tend to go into a spiral and existential crisis that usually results in me stress deep cleaning the entire house, projecting my beliefs onto my poor partner who’s just minding his business and living his life, and spending hours trawling the internet for the very jobs I have vowed not to return to.
I’m pleased to report I’m able to pause earlier these days and have a host of tools to draw on to prevent the spirals from going quite as far as they used to. Even better I’m usually able to tell my family what’s going on quite quickly too - demonstrating to my kids how we verbalise our off-days and take care of ourselves and others when we’re in them. It’s normal to have these days. The more we can identify them for ourselves and those around us, the more we slowly change the dynamic.
I have taken a leap of faith. I trust myself and I know I can do this. But holy smokes the days I think I’ve lost my mind and need to sort it out are HARD. These are the wobbles. And twice before I’ve submitted to the wobbles and ended up back in roles that slowly sucked me back into repeating dynamics. This time, I am better prepared, holding steadfast and I want to share some things if you too are in the middle of recalibrating or feel the call for something different.
Do not underestimate the need for scaffolding with the basics - I’m talking hydration, nourishing food and exercise. I strongly believe this is why I’m more centred on the days I panic and can bring myself back to the table. I have prioritised moving every single day (even for 15 - 20 minutes or a stretch/meditation), I am checking myself on hydration (seriously dehydration impacts your mood and mind), and I am prioritising protein and eating regularly. I’m a chronic snacker but whole meals with plenty of protein has changed my energy levels profoundly. I eat when my kids eat and I prep my snacks when I prep theirs.
Call in support from those already doing it. One of the things I’ve read repeatedly is that people who aren’t going through this type of transition won’t understand it, and while many may be supportive, many others will have questions and judgement. Stay away from talking about it too much with them, with the best intentions, they’re likely to encourage you to come back to the known and understood. If you really are trying to go down a different path, seek support from those you know who are in the arena (to take from Brené Brown) and already doing what you are hoping to.
Expect wobbles, self-sabotaging and your ego to try and hijack the journey. Our minds crave comfort, they crave ease, they need a sense of control. On the days that you feel the wobbles - acknowledge them, take care of yourself a little more gently and do things that will make your mind and body feel safe. You might need to say it to yourself - I am safe, I’ve got this, everything is turning out the way I am intending it will. Trusting the process on the days you want to turn around will be the difference between turning around (been there done that) and continuing on even when it all feels unclear, uncertain and like the sky is falling.
Have a time-frame and a plan before you jump if this will help. Knowing what I know from two earlier attempts, I was better prepared this time before I took the jump (that being said I jumped a few months earlier than planned so have had moments of my mind going ‘oh shittttt’ because of this). I use this plan to refer back on, I do monthly ‘check ins’ on where I’m up to with things, how I’m feeling and where I might be self-sabotaging. I make monthly goals that link to my overall yearly outlook and while I may not tick everything off month-to-month, it’s super useful to see my trajectory, feel I’m making progress and that my actions are reflecting how I have been wanting them to. Equally - expect that reality may be nothing like the plan. Often life has worked out in ways I could never have imagined or predicted. Relinquishing to the unknown is part of it too.
Journal. Write things down, share the feelings, the wobbles, the self-doubt, the strategies to overcome things. I remember reading the Four Hour Work Week years ago and will never forget one of the pieces of advice within it. Instead of letting your mind and anxiety ride shot-gun, indulge it and plan. Write out all your very worst case scenarios, indulge the panic for a moment and then calmly go through each one considering the likelihood of it occurring and what you can do to plan for this if it does happen. Not only does this help to map out how you might approach a major transition in a very practical sense (things like being able to pay the bills are important), it also gives you something to go back to when the wobbles hit and you think you’ve lost your mind.
So here I am, a few months in now, a few wobbles down (my most recent just this week) and feeling more determined and sure I’ve got this. It’s a good feeling and I finish the week feeling excited instead of panicked.
Happy weekend and reach out if you ever want to chat!
S x